10 Possible Signs of Unhealed Attachment Trauma
Childhood Trauma, while a broad term, generally relates to trauma experienced in the formative years while someone is living with their family of origin. Not all trauma is the result of abuse or neglect, although these are the things most commonly reported by survivors as the things that stay with them into adulthood and impact relationships and self esteem. Many doctors call these attached file traumatic injuries, since they occur as a result of the actions or inactions of the child’s caregivers during the developmental years, which are the years in which affective bonds are formed.
An attachment wound relates to the trauma of having an abusive, absent, or unavailable parent figure. Some childhood traumas, such as emotional neglect, were not done on purpose, especially if the parents were from other cultures or even from older generations where authoritarianism paternity he perked up. Whether intentional or not, this injury creates a sense of shame and low self-esteem in a child, who often becomes an adult who blames himself for the actions (or inactions) of his parents.
Source: Oscar from Pixabay
Attachment wounds relate to unresolved feelings in our caregivers and can manifest through mental health issues, unhealthy behaviors, and poor coping skills, such as substance use or overeating.
Here are some signs that you might have unresolved traumatic injuries. It is important to note that not all of these are necessarily related to traumatic experiences, especially if they can be explained by other things such as neurodivergence. However, if you find that you can relate to many of them, it could be the result of traumatic injuries,
1. People-pleasing behaviors. Children who had to fight a lot to get the attention from their caregivers they learned that making them happy would make their lives easier. They learned from an early age how to engage in people-pleasing to avoid the emotional pain of someone not liking or being upset with them.
2. perfectionism. This is especially common in children who are survivors of emotional neglect. In my practice, I find this happens for one of two reasons: Early children learned that doing things perfectly, like dance recitals or sports games, is the best way to get the limited attention Mom or Dad had. The second most common reason I see this is because kids who had to take care of themselves learned that making a mistake is unacceptable, since they never learned to deal with the feelings that come from not doing something perfectly.
3. Constantly compare yourself with others. Sometimes this is due to low self-esteem or self-esteem. If you were compared to others in childhood, such as other siblings or peers, you may have learned that you didn’t measure up in some way.
4. Avoiding relationships or getting close to people. This is often due to fear of getting close to others, which stems from the fear of getting hurt. If you were hurt or abandoned in childhood, it is natural that you want to avoid it, even if this decision is not a conscious one.
5. Jump from relationship to relationship. Like those who avoid relationships to avoid emotional pain, those who jump from one relationship to another are often trying to fill the void left over from their attachment wounds. It’s almost like you can somehow prove to yourself that you are truly lovable and worthy by being in a relationship.
6. Limits too tight or too loose. Having too many boundaries, like letting people walk all over you, is a sign that you’ve learned that it’s acceptable to be treated this way. Similarly, those who have limits that are too rigid could be trying to protect themselves.
7. Trying to fix others. If you grew up with a carer If you have struggled with mental illness or substance use, you may carry this need to help and heal others into your adult relationships. Your inner child is saying, “If I couldn’t fix mom/dad, then maybe I can fix my partner.”
8. disordered eating. There is a strong connection between childhood trauma and eating disorders. Many of my clients with binge eating disorder have traumatic past, and eating helps calm intrusive thoughts and inner pains. Likewise, the restriction of food and calories is related to low self-esteem and childhood trauma. In a recent study, “when facing stresssome kids went for their favorite snack, while others lost their appetite.” (Gibson-Judkins 2019).
9. Self-medicate with substances /substance misuse. We know that there is a link between substance abuse or addiction and trauma. People experiencing emotional or physical pain often look for ways to numb these feelings, sometimes leading to substance abuse.
10. Feelings of depression, anxietyeither anger that they do not leave Occasionally feeling these things is normal and could be situational, especially if you are dealing with a lot of stress at work or during the holiday season, for example. However, if you feel they are not going away, they could be due to unresolved internal traumatic injuries. Seeking more support can help you deal with these feelings.
If you find that you check off a lot of the above and are looking for more support, here are some ways to heal:
First, acknowledge your truth. Validating your experiences and your story is the first step to healing.
Journaling and self-reflection help many to deal with their inner thoughts. Try to focus less on grammar and perfection and more on simply expressing your thoughts. Sometimes I tell clients to write with a crayon, so they can focus less on how it looks.
Seeking out a trauma-informed therapist can help you work through unresolved pain and trauma if you feel unable to move on.